When There is No Heartbeat

I’m sorry. I can’t find a heartbeat. The baby is not to be moving either.

Thursday the 9th started like any other day for our house. Orin left for work, the kids and I had breakfast, and then we got to work on homeschooling. We were coming off of a 3 day Labor Day weekend (which for us was Sun-Tues). We’d had a full, fun weekend in West Virginia and I was eager to plow through a lot of schoolwork before we take our first break in a few weeks for a beach vacation.

My 16-week ultrasound (at 15 weeks 5 days) was scheduled for Thursday afternoon. The doctor’s office said I could bring the kids with me, so I told Orin he didn’t need to use sick time to come home early to be with the kids. They are good kids. I was confident they would do just fine at the doctor’s office with me. I had even called to ask to make sure it was okay if I brought them since some offices have regulations about the number of guests you can bring. It was fine.

At this point, I’d already had 2 prenatal appointments, 2 ultrasounds, and bloodwork which said our baby tested negative for the most common chromosome disorders. Now that I’m a bit older, I thought it would be good to have the testing done and know if there were any conditions that could make a home birth riskier for my baby. Things looked good for our baby. At home, I used my own doppler to check for a heartbeat at 12 weeks – the point where we discovered there was no heartbeat for Quinn. I heard it and felt relief. Things were good. I could finally relax, let my guard down, bond with this baby. I had zero reservations about taking the kids with me. I had no concerns about there being any problems. In fact, I remember around 14 weeks thinking, “oh, maybe I should check for a heartbeat again and let the girls hear.” But I didn’t. Life is busy and things were good. I was just certain I had no reason to be concerned.

The blood test also told us the gender. A BOY! We found out we were having our 5th boy and knew when I was only 12 weeks along. It was so fun to know so early. The girls were a little bit disappointed, naturally, but I was amazed at how quickly they pivoted to being excited still for another brother. Orin and I started discussing what we might name this little guy. Ya’ll know names are tough for us and with a 5th boy it was going to be even harder!

But then, there I sat in the O.B. office, with my 6 living children looking at books and playing quietly on the floor while the doctor tried to find a heartbeat. She really only tried for about a minute with the doppler. Then she said she’d run to grab the ultrasound really quick. I was kinda excited. Another chance to see my little boy. I figured the kids would like that too. I knew that sometimes it still took a little bit of time at 16 weeks to find the baby depending on the position.

She got out the ultrasound (which, side note, modern technology is amazing! This ultrasound attaches to her smartphone and shows on that screen, so it’s very portable) and we are looking at the screen together and there is no movement. None. My little boy was as still as can be. And there was no heartbeat. She kept checking for a few minutes but there was no change.

I have to take a moment here to say, I have been so pleased with this O.B. Having had poor experiences every time I used the big O.B/midwife office in Martinsburg and amazing experiences with my homebirth midwives, I did not go into this thing with high hopes for liking any O.B. or hospital-based midwife I used. We’re still living in VA though. My homebirth midwives are in WV. The plan was to hopefully deliver in WV with them but in the meantime, I still wanted to get regular prenatal checks, and going to this office was covered by our insurance basically 100%. I figured I would just suck it up, go there and at least get my bloodwork done (I usually need to watch my iron levels) and have ultrasounds.

I have to say though if you live in the Richmond/Mechanicsville area of Virginia, Dr. Stacey Sharp of Dominion Women’s Health is great. I expected a less than good reception to being pregnant and having had 6 children already AND to birthing all of my past children at home. I never felt any condemnation from her. She is always professional and kind. When I told her I planned to still deliver in WV at home with midwives, she never had a negative thing to say about that. When I initially apologized for bringing all 6 kids in with me, she brushed it off and said she loved it and they were great.

So, when a heartbeat could not be found, knowing my children were in the room, she was very discreet while also being so kind and gentle with me. She spoke in a soft whisper to me. She reminded me this was not my fault. She even said, “Obviously your body knows how to do this. You’ve done it 6 times. Sometimes this just happens.”

As I left that appointment we scheduled one for the following day at their bigger office where they had the standard ultrasound machines. This could give us a better idea of when our boy stopped growing and just a double check to make sure he had, in fact, passed away.

The ultrasound confirmed, our sweet boy was gone. Somewhere between 12 -13 weeks, he stopped growing. My doctor gave me comforting hug and then went over options with me.

Telling the kids was hard. At first, they didn’t react much. In fact, at first, I thought they weren’t really affected by the news. I was surprised. But 2 minutes later, the tears started flowing as the news really sunk in. Over the past few days, they have grieved with Orin and me. They are sad to have never had the chance to meet their baby brother, who we decided to name Jack Christopher. The love they have for Jack has been both heartbreaking and heartwarming all at the same time. They are looking forward to meeting him one day in heaven.

I’ve been asked a few times by them already if we will have another baby. I tell them, I hope so. And I do! I have always feared ending my childbearing years with a miscarriage. I so badly do not want that. Having walked the road of miscarriage before, I can say that for me, it has been so healing to have Aram, my first rainbow baby. He is ONLY here because of Quinn’s death. It is not possible that he would have been born if Quinn had lived. And, although we still mourn the death of that baby, Aram is the (very big) positive that came out of that hard time. I can not IMAGINE life without my sweet Aram. Of all our children, he is probably the biggest “mama’s boy.”He is loved by all and just such a sweet boy.

Especially because of the joy of Aram, I can’t help but hope that we are blessed with another beautiful, wonderful “rainbow baby”. A baby after a miscarriage, for me, is such a strong reminder that God can take our darkest, hardest experiences and turn them into a blessing that we couldn’t imagine living without.

However, I also know that life is in His hands. Whether we have or don’t have another healthy baby to hold is entirely up to Him. I hope we’re blessed with another baby but I also know I’m incredibly blessed with the 6 living children I already have. They make life beautiful and happy! I have grieved and I have cried but I am also filled with an unexplainable amount of peace through this trial. God is gracious. I am thankful for the hope I have in Him.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed by the name of the Lord.