When Gummy Bears Attack

Everyone loves gummy bears, I mean, they are delicious! Well, MOST gummy bears. Have you ever read the Amazon reviews of the sugar free gummies?

So I was talking with my friend Ashley one night and you know how conversations go — one thing leads to another. Anyway, I don’t remember what led up to it, but I asked her if she’d ever read the reviews on Amazon.com for the sugar free gummy candies. She hadn’t — and if you haven’t either, well, you’re missing out! Here’s the post where I first heard about them. My husband and I read through this one night and laughed so hard we were crying.

You see, these gummy critters are sweetened with something other than sugar or corn syrup, something that, when taken in too large of a dose,  causes you to have major gastronomical distress. Don’t take my word for it though, check out some of these reviews:

Your farts will betray you.
By Matthew Castellion May 25, 2015

Even if you’re an atheist, you will make certain promises to any god you find convenient to “please have mercy and make it stop.”

Don’t eat more than five.
By michelle on May 3, 2015

I ate 15 bears at once.

Don’t eat 15 bears at once, unless you want to subject your bowels and sphincter to horrific, burning agony. It hits like a freight train and feels like a Sriracha enema.

Intestinal Battlefield – A New War
By Aliendb on May 26, 2015

You buy them and eat ’em, so you can join the select few who have felt the wrath of sugarless Demon Bears – the food world’s love child – a prodigy if Scrubbing Bubbles and RotoRooter had a baby. Unlike the mainstream Haribo sugar-free bears – these gummy guys are much tastier – falsely leading you into a bottomless spiral usually resulting in many underwear changes. Surprisingly, after eating only 10 or so – these guys unleashed a demon army on an intestinal battlefield. The first wave gas attack that hasn’t been seen since World War I (too soon to say Syria). With only a small deployment of 5 more, the tidal wave flood that was released brought memories of Katrina and the New Orleans aftermath. Picasso painted toilet bowls, abstract artwork highlighting white porcelain with 50 Shades of Brown. Eat up and bring upon thee a stench worse then what Skywalker endured after opening the innards of the Tauntaun on Hoth.

Customers who bought this also bought
By Nick got the sugar free blues on January 21, 2014

Customers who bought this also bought:
Pepto-Bismol
4 pack of baby wipes
Stomach pump
Air Freshener
Coffee straws
Gatorade
Bullets

Deceivingly delicious and sweet at first
By Jonathan K. Sandberg on May 8, 2015

Deceivingly delicious and sweet at first, I had napalm diarrhea with blockbuster explosions three hours later. I had the fire power of a whole box of fiber one bars with Rosarita refried beans slathered on. And my farts were heard by people living two floors below me bc of a noise complaint!

Gift for Granny, now she hates me.
By TC on March 4, 2012

I got these as a gift for my grandma. I really wish there was a warning when ordering these about the gastrointestinal distress that ensues after consumption (seemingly more so than in comparison to other sugar-free products). There was no warning on the bag either!! She has spent the past two days in the bathroom (sorry, over-share) and is really mad at me. She did say they were tasty though.

Poo-Poo-Kachoo: My Diarrhea-Inducing Journey
By Nick Naumann on January 22, 2015

I’m like a lot of other people. I’ve read the reviews for the Haribo Sugar Free gummy bears and laughed my hiney off. For me, though, that wasn’t enough. I wanted to willingly subject myself to the hell bears of lore.

The unfortunate catch is that the five-pound bag of actual Haribo candies is $136. I’m in college. Ain’t nobody got money for that. So, with Google as my trust companion, I went digging to see exactly what in the sugar-free bears caused people such volatile, poo-related escapades.

I quickly found the the culprit to be a chemical compound known as lycasin. Now lycasin has a fun little ingredient in it called maltitol. This, ladies and gentleman, is your diarrhea-inducing little devil of a sugar substitute. So I thought to myself, “Why not search Amazon for for lycasin?” Lo and behold, after a quick search, this very product popped up. Reading through a few of the other reviews assured me that this was what I was looking for, and for quite a paltry sum at that.

So, armed with my free trial of Amazon Prime, I placed my order. Fast forward two days later (yesterday). True to their word, my gummy tummy moshers arrived. Upon opening the packaging, I happened to glance over the ingredient list on the front of the product. The first one listed? Maltitol. That’s a bingo.

I would have launched my fearless march into the realm of explosive bowel movements right then, had I not already made plans to meet a friend for drinks that night. Two beers, one shot of whiskey, and several hours later, I’m back home with my sweet gummy atrocities, watching 30 Rock with my roommates. In one sitting, I took out half of the one-pound bag.

Is that an irresponsible, stupid decision? You bet your bottom dollar it is. Do I really give two shakes? No, sir/ma’am. Being an American, college-age male, it is my inalienable right to lurch from one poor decision to the next until I’m finally forced to start my life. However, that is somewhat beside the point.

After ingesting a half-pound of the delicious-tasting gummies, I passed out on the couch at a little past midnight. Now fast forward again to four hours later. I’m awakened by mild bloating and moderate abdominal pain. Knowing what awaits, I shuffle to the upstairs bathroom and sit myself down upon the throne.

What happened next can only be accurately described by the words “butt vomit”. A predominantly liquid composition, lightly flecked with with solid matter, shot from my bum-hole with all the force of a thousand suns. This continued for a half-hour as my body continued to forcibly banish all non-essential liquids to the porcelain bowl. Finally, I felt confident enough to clean myself up and go back to sleep.

Again at seven, the same gut-pain and rumblies in my tummy urged me to seek refuge atop my porcelain tower. In much the same fashion, watery waste material was banished from my colon in a flourish of squelching flatulence and churning of bowels. And again in a half hour, my second tour of duty (or rather “doody”) was at an end.

However, in comparison to many of the other reviews posted about these types of candies, I can honestly say that it was not white-hot magma shooting out of my poop cannon, nor was it accompanied by the vile smells of high-decibel farts. Farts? Yes. Copious butt-vomit? You bet. Torturous experience? Not on any level. It is now eight and a half hours after eating the stanky bears that I’m composing this review. Have the effects entirely subsided? Not at all. I expect my stomach to hate me for at least a few more hours before normalcy returns to my bowels. It did give me a very ample excuse for not attending class this morning though.

As for the product itself, it absolutely delivered in every way I expected it to. The bears themselves are delightfully tasty, which only seems to be a guise for their malicious intent of liquefying the contents of your stomach and forcing them through your sphincter faster than a stampeding herd of cattle. For any intrepid travel wishing to embark on a delectable, yet liquid-poo-inducing voyage, these bears are the way to do it on a budget. If you do decide to take that fateful leap, may you remember the words of David Bowie: “Check ignition, and may God’s love be with you.”

omfg my stomach hurts.
By Dimitri McKay on November 8, 2011

They taste REALLY REALLY REALLY good going down.
But they give you gas so bad you’ll want to take a swan dive off a balcony.
Horrible horrible horrible gas. Horrible. Don’t do it to yourself. Horrible.

Unbelievable Gas for 24-48 hours
ByCadebayoon August 12, 2014

The candy itself taste great. but after only eating 5-10 pieces I had unbelievable gas for 2 days straight. NO it wasnt anything I ate that contributed to this feeling. I have a steady diet which is why I opted for the sugar free gummi bears in the first place. BE CAREFUL eating these. I tossed half the bag because of the issues it was causing.

Too good
By joop on April 12, 2015

My son bought these on a lark after reading the crazy reviews. I decided to give these a shot with him.

Ate 41 in the space of a half hour. These are so ridiculously delicious this is easy to do. I could have eaten far more, but erring on the side of caution I decided to stop. This was 3:30 in the afternoon and I could feel gasses building within an hour – a lot of churning and gurgling.

At 7:15 the full effects hit. My guts had reached a high-pressure pinnacle that when jettisoned released a foam froth the likes of which I’d never seen before. Once I hit rock bottom, the gas kept coming. At some point you have to ask yourself, *how in the world is it possible to keep making gas with nothing in there?*

The ever more painful gas continued building and churning. You know that feeling when you accidentally back into a air compressor and it fills you with 100 lbs of pressure and then your next door neighbor the balloon twisting artist comes over and removes your small intestine to make a really, really intricate floral arrangement balloon hat for a kid? That.

So very, very tasty. Too delicious. But be warned, if you don’t go slow on these, they’ll work a number on you.

Great for a colon clease… if you can handle it
By Brian Devinney on April 15, 2015

Every word they say is true. Everything everyone has said about the intestinal issues you will endure is totally true. If you want a great way to do the Master Cleanse but still want to be able to eat, one bag and one day of sitting on the toilet will do it for you. I was giving a bag because, hey, who doesn’t love gummi bears? Little did I know I was given the sugar free with xylo-whatever sugar substitute. Next think you know I’ve turned into Regan from The Exorcist except it wasn’t cming out of my mouth… It’s intense. It’s insane. It’s incredibly not worth it… I think I lost about five pounds that day and was so weak and dehydrated afterwards that when I was finally done (or at least thought I was) I had to crawl across my apartment onto my couch… thankfully when Round 471 hit, I had recovered enough strength to get to the bathroom on my own accord… Seriously… do not think any of us are joking about this… this is a Mount St. Helens of rectal spewing that you will not forget… and neither will your septic system….

Chemical weapons grade gummy bears- I can never go back to my favorite store.
By J.Sargent on February 7, 2014

Unfortunately, I was unaware of these reviews before consuming satan’s little death bears. After reading that these little jewels were made in Austria, I imagine a rouge Nazi chemical weapons scientist escaped to austria after the war and set up shop making unsuspecting masses suffer for their defeat.

My experience started like many others, some customer dropped off some bags of these for Christmas, after looking at them for the better part of a month I decided to eat some. The first day I had about 20-25 of them, that night i experienced some slight discomfort and crazy dreams , but I did not associate it with the demon spawn gummy bears. The next day, I had about a handful more of these delicious little devils and all hell broke loose. After several short trips to the bathroom and gas noises like I have never heard coming from my stomach before, I decided to head home, but first stop by the store to pick up some antacids.

Just as I got inside my local grocery store it hit me, I broke out in a cold sweat, my hands were clammy and the pain from my lower intestine was unreal, it felt as if Satan himself was reaching inside of me and spinning my intestines on his finger. I was around ten isles away from the back corner where the public bathroom was located when Satan’s little helpers let me know I was not going to make it there. I immediately started to walk like I was trying to hold a golf ball between both knees and waddle to the back isle all the time praying I could keep my sphincter closed long enough. Those ten isles might as well been ten miles, it was not going to wait, about this time I spied another pair of doors marked employees only and pushed my way inside. I saw a small bathroom for employees and went straight to it, all the while a stock boy is trying to stop me and tell me I can’t use it. I stiff arm him from my football days and say in what must have sounded like a demonic voice from hell ” I’m sick, back off”.

To my immediate relief I got the door shut and locked just in time for Mt. St Helen’s to blow, Unfortunately ,I was not able to sit fast enough before spraying the back wall and toilet tank with a putrid black paint. At that exact moment, I did not even care, I was so relieved to have this sewage pouring out of me so violently that I could have levitated off the seat of the toilet if I wasn’t holding on to the handicapped bars for dear life, I swear there are probably small dents in the stainless steel bar where my fingers were. After what seemed like an hour, I felt safe enough to stand and start the long clean up process, to my horror, I looked down to notice two mostly empty rolls of toilet paper. Are you freaking kidding me? This is a grocery store with pallets of toilet paper, right? After several minutes of trying to macgyver a solution, my only option was to ask the poor soul who had been knocking on the bathroom door for the last thirty minutes to please get me some paper. In retrospect, I should have asked for a dozen boxes of baby wipes as well.

After doing my best to clean what I could, I made my hasty retreat. I never understood how someone could spray fecal mater on a wall until now, clearly they had some of these delicious spawn from hell. I can never go back in this store as I am sure they all have some grainy picture from their video system taped to all the registers, with my picture on it, as the guy who horribly desecrated their beloved employee bathroom. Thanks Haribo, now I have to shop at the more expensive store down the street, I can never show my face in their again, I am still the guy the new employees get told about to watch for, sorta an Urban legend by now.

Read these reviews with skepticism if you must, but if I had seen them they would have saved my three days of my life. I still have some kidney pain but I am making a full recovery. I would not wish these on my worst enemy. You are warned!

The reviews go on and on at Amazon.com. You can read more of them HERE. If you need a good laxative, apparently these will do the trick, otherwise, I’d steer clear of the sugar free gummies!