This Gender Reveal Is Not What I Had Hoped It Would Be – I’ve Had Another Miscarriage

Friends, I was so excited to get back on here and tell you that we were expecting a GIRL. I’m so sad to share that her heart stopped beating around 16 weeks.

Last week I went to check the heartbeat with my home doppler like I had been every week since about 10 weeks and couldn’t find it. I tried not to panic because I know baby is still small at that stage and she could be hiding.

When 48 hours passed and I still couldn’t find it, after searching multiple times throughout the day, I called my OBGYN/Midwives’ office. They were able to fit me in that morning.

The midwife I saw wasn’t able to find a heartbeat either and fit me in for an ultrasound right away where it was confirmed that her little heart had stopped.

That was on Wednesday. I was offered expectant management (waiting for the miscarriage to happen naturally at home), induction at the hospital, or a D&E (similar to a D&C but more involved since my baby was further along).

Initially, I thought I would go with expectant management, however after doing some research, I realized there was a very real chance that it could be four or more weeks before I even went into labor. The risks of hemorrhage were also higher this far along.

I decided my emotions couldn’t handle waiting to miscarry naturally and Friday night my husband and I headed into the hospital to be induced.

Our hospital team was so kind, gentle, and caring. For that, I am extremely thankful.

They did have trouble getting an IV into me and it took four very painful tries. I’ve never had an IV hurt like that before and I’ve got quite the bruises down both arms a week later.

I had used medication to induce birth after a miscarriage once in the past but this time was much more intense. I got my first dose of the medicine around 9pm and from just shortly after that time until I delivered our baby girl a little after 6am I had constant cramping, along with a few more doses of medicine.

Despite Ibuprofen and Tylenol, the cramps were strong enough I was unable to sleep. I stayed up all night cramping and watching reruns on cable (thanks Friends, Psych, Murder She Wrote, and Last Man Standing for helping me take my mind off of the pain), praying that God would hasten my labor and heal all of our sad hearts.

Just after 6am, the constant cramping suddenly stopped. I was still having contractions every few minutes but I was so thankful for a little bit of relief. I got up to go to the bathroom and then realized I had the urge to push. It was time to birth my baby girl.

I must admit, the whole time I was terrified that maybe some mistake had been made, that her heart was still beating, and she would be born alive and I would forever feel guilty for inducing labor. Logically I knew that wasn’t the case. We had checked so many times, but I couldn’t help but still worry.

My baby was born, no heartbeat, but looking like a perfectly formed 16 week little girl. 10 finger, 10 toes, and even one of her hands up by her head, just the way most of her siblings have slept when they were babies. My husband and I both noticed that and it was a sweet thing for us to see.

We don’t have any answers as to why she passed away. I had had genetic testing done (because I was so eager to find out the gender) and everything looked good. I know that sometimes this just happens and there are no answers as to why.

We have always considered a name’s meaning when choosing a name for each of our children. We decided to name our little girl Amara Joy.

Amara means everlasting in German and love in Spanish. We like to think that all she has ever experienced is love and joy and that feeling will now be everlasting as she went from this life into the next. And, although we are saddened to not have been able to share life with her on earth, every moment of her life was filled with love and joy for us as well, and we’ll remain forever joyful in rememberance of her.

We were able to bring Amara home and will bury her with her other 3 siblings who were also lost through miscarriage.

I’m not gonna lie. Emotionally, this is TOUGH. Physically I am healing well but I’m so sad about the loss of this other little one. I’d gotten so far into the pregnancy that even though I know things happen and women lose babies, I thought we were safe. We’d started buying little girl clothes and making plans for her arrival.

This has been a tough year for our family. I had an early miscarriage over Easter. Then our 4-year-old, Killian, spent two weeks in the hospital for appendicitis, and now this.

I’m scared to get pregnant again and be devastated by another loss, and yet I’m also so sad to think of ending our baby years on this sad note. My rainbow babies have been so healing following my other losses.

Our whole family is devastated. There have been many tears. Please pray for us as we grieve over the loss of this sweet little one.