The Final Week…They Go Back: Fostering Is HARD

Our final week. It’s a week we never thought would come. At least not since the very beginning when we did have hopes that they could safely return home. These kids have now been in our care now for 18 months (older one) and since birth (10+ months) for the younger one. Four months ago, we were headed towards termination and adoption. So what happened?

It’s A Roller Coaster / Fostering Is Hard

You can ask any ‘seasoned’ foster parent and they’ll tell you that fostering is 100% a roller coaster. There are so many ups and downs, twists and turns. One worker tells you one thing, someone else tells you another. There’s almost no way to know what’s the truth. You’re a pawn in a game of Chess you didn’t really mean to play. It’s not fair to you, your family, or the kids you’re doing your best to care and protect.

So What Happened In This Case

If you remember my first fostering post after we took this placement, this was not a planned thing. We actually closed our foster care home several years ago and never had any intentions of starting back up again. However, THIS CASE was different. It’s what is called a ‘kinship placement’. While we were not blood related, I’ve known this family for over 20 years.

When we got the call and said yes, we truly thought this would be a short term gig. Fill the gap and move on. All of our previous placements returned home (or to family) within four months. EVERY…SINGLE…ONE. I guess I should have thought about that though…. This time, WE were ‘the family’. So it makes sense that it didn’t end quickly. But it was just a detail I hadn’t really considered when we agreed to foster again.

So Many Setbacks

As I mentioned, this case was heading towards TPR (termination of parental rights) and adoption. For MONTHS! The TPR affidavit was even filed with the courts. Things were progressing in that direction. We had no idea it would take such a sudden turn…. that it COULD take such a sudden turn.

This case has been full of so many downs over the last year and a half and very few ‘wins’. Missed visits. Cancelled visits. Visits ended early. Not showing up to a single doctors appointment in the 18 months we’ve had the kids (even though they said they’d be there time and again). Missed appointments for the parents. Etc. The list goes on and on. But in the end, I guess it doesn’t matter. What does matter? It honestly feels like not much. The county just keeps lowering the bar for the parents while seemingly doing very little to ensure the kids stay safe.

***To be honest, one of the hardest parts of this case was knowing so many details we otherwise wouldn’t have been privy to. From the get-go, we knew what the older child had been put through, exposed to, and endured. It was heartbreaking. Having the knowledge of so many things pertaining to the parents, kids, and case originally felt like a blessing. Now it’s almost a curse. Because IF we didn’t know better, I would think this change could be a good thing.

The Turn

About four months ago, our really amazing social worker changed positions. I was terrified for this. She was so diligent! She KNEW the things that needed to be watched for and double checked EVERYTHING that bio parents told her…as the truth was usually the opposite. Then a new worker came on the case. Within two weeks, the case plan was rewritten. This new worker didn’t communicate hardly at all. After coming out for ‘the monthly visit’ (in which she didn’t talk or play with the kids AT ALL, like NOT A WORD to even the very friendly outgoing toddler who loves playing with everyone) and telling me she was changing the plan to reunification, she dropped off the face of the planet.

We went months without hearing a word from her. Everything felt like like it was spiraling. The only communication was coming from my end. I’d send updates, concerns, and pertinent info, but we didn’t see her again. And still haven’t.

I went up the ladder. Voiced my concerns on the lack of communication. Shared concerns and reported behavior changes as visits increased. But was met with mostly silence. TWO weeks ago, she finally called to suggest setting up ‘weekly phone check-ins’ to be ‘more communicative’. WHAT? NOW? What’s the point?

But What Does The Judge Say?

Good question. I don’t know!? This (the sending them home part) never went before the judge! At the last hearing, the TPR pre-trial was set along with another 90 day review date. I have no idea if the judge has even been informed that the county (social worker?!) has put this in motion. The system is broken.

So Now What?

Well, we’re down to the final week. The kids are set to go home on Monday, barring the county finding any proof to all the concerns they state are there but they can’t do anything about.

They’ll come back tomorrow (Wednesday) from their overnight and we’ll get four more days with them before they’re gone. We are heartbroken. I’m so sad for my family but even more so for them.

And please don’t come at me. I know ‘what we signed up for’. People will say ‘reunification is best’. And I want to believe that. I HAVE believed it in the past with some of our previous foster kiddos. We’ve celebrated with those families! We have even been invited to birthday parties, been given updates from parents, and even asked to babysit after they’ve gone home. It CAN be a good thing. But I’m gutted because, in this case, it’s just not.

Who ‘Wins’?

While the county is currently calling this a win. We all know better. The workers have even admitted it. And even though I desperately hope I’m wrong, I can only think ‘it’s only going to be a matter of time before they’re back in care, more traumatized than before’.

And then there’s our youngest. Ruby and our foster son have been the best of friends for the last 18 months. They wake up every morning and run to hug each other and say ‘good morning’. All day long, you’ll find them playing side by side or riding their balance bikes together all over the house. Outside, it’s so fun to watch their imaginations run wild as they play. They’re two peas in a pod. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was worried about the trauma she’ll face with losing what she feels is her brother and sister. They’re practically all she’s known since she had just turned two when they arrived on our doorstep.

When?

When will this madness stop? At what point is it time to say ‘enough’? Will there ever come a time where kids have the right to a safe, loving home environment over the parents’ having rights to regain custody by completing the absolute bare minimum and reaching a D- parent status? I don’t know. What I do know is that I hope to make the best of the final four days we have. I hope these children, who call us mom and dad and the rest of the kids their brothers and sisters, will know and feel the love we have for them. For now, all we can do is hope for the best and try not to cry until they’re gone. Because I want them to remember us smiling at them. I want them to remember being loved, safe, and cherished.

Why There’s Such A Need For Foster Parents?

Another foster parent stated it like this and I couldn’t say it any better:

1. Unrealistic expectations. Former and current foster parents try to keep it real when they meet prospective foster parents but you don’t really know and understand until you’re in the trenches.
2. Heartbreak. We’re constantly told that reunification is the goal, which is fine and dandy when the family has done the work and you believe you’re sending them back to a better environment. Not the case when you know it hasn’t gotten better.
3. Compassion fatigue. Being a foster parent can be very isolating and it’s extremely hard and exhausting to keep giving when your own cup is empty.
4. Rules, laws and regulations. Legislation, CPS and agencies make it harder not easier to foster. Plus the double standards between what’s acceptable for biological parents versus foster parents. Foster parents are required to be A parents. Bios only need to get a D- to reunify! Best interest of the children is a joke.
5. Lack of trauma resources for kids. There’s just not enough therapists and child psychologists to help foster parents navigate these waters with these children.