The following is Sarah’s account of her miscarriage, her baby was between 5-6 weeks gestation.
So, it’s hard to even compare what I went through to so many other women but I too found myself relentlessly googling for help here is my short story-
So a week before my period started I knew I was pregnant. I felt it even though it sounds odd I just knew. I waited as long as I could and I took a test and it was positive! I was so excited I told my two best friends and my husband right away.
A few days later I took the stairs and when I reached the top I felt wetness in my underwear and went to the restroom and found a little blood. It was brownish in color so I didn’t immediately panic. A few days later the blood started again and I was so worried I went to the ER because I thought maybe I needed a rogham shot (sp?) as I did with my first and that would fix the problem.
Just wishful thinking.
They did an hcg level testing and they said it was reading as positive for pregnancy but they would not do anything to stop the bleeding as I expected and to follow up with my doctor.
For the next few days I had to continuously have my levels checked as I bled similar to a period. Going up meant the pregnancy was holding, going down meant miscarriage. I had no extra clots, no heavy bleeding or cramps, just light red and pink blood similar to a light period.
My hcg levels were all over the place. They would go up one day and then down the next until finally they tapered off to a level that indicated not pregnant.
And that was that.
I wasn’t far enough along to even have any clots at that point but I was so distraught after being so elated that I continuously researched for miracle stories.
I think because it was so anticlimactic it was so hard to believe. I saw stories of hcg levels dropping then going back up to normal levels. I saw people being told they miscarried and then they got an ultrasound to make sure everything was ok to proceed to trying again and miraculously they were still pregnant.
There were so many good outcomes I just had such a hard time letting go. I just knew this baby was going to make it and be a shocking surprise, a miracle story. My final doctors appintment put all my hopes to rest and I was told to wait 3 months before trying again.
(2.5 months later I was pregnant and carried to term and now have a beautiful 2 year old boy. )
I feel like a loss at this stage is strange. I was thankful that I wasn’t further along. I was guilty for being thankful. I was sad that I hadn’t even told my parents or anyone besides 3 people that I was pregnant. I was even sadder to inform my family that I had been pregnant for a few weeks and miscarried. I felt conflicted about telling my friends who had lost babies months into their pregnancy, fearful that they wouldn’t think my loss compared to theirs because I had that feeling too! Then came more guilt for not giving the tiniest of life inside of me the proper respect… it was a continuous cycle for a few weeks until I had finally grieved and decided to begin again.
I didn’t have a chance to accept that it was real before I found out it was gone.
