As most of you know, I suffered a miscarriage in June. Although I should have been 12 weeks at the time, I suspect my baby Quinn was not the full 12 weeks developed when he or she passed away. Nevertheless, I had spent those weeks bonding with a baby I was never able to meet, hold, kiss, or snuggle.
The weeks that followed were very difficult emotionally. Little things would remind me of Quinn and I’d find myself breaking down again.
It was a very bittersweet day when I learned I was pregnant again. On one hand, I was thrilled to be pregnant again, but on the other hand, it wasn’t lost on me that the only reason it was possible to be pregnant again was due to the loss of Quinn.
Since that had been my first miscarriage, this is my first pregnancy after a miscarriage. I’ve always been worried about a miscarriage with each of my pregnancies, but this time it’s been 100xs worse. I’ve been terrified of losing another baby. Especially losing another baby back-to-back. I know many women have gone through that but I don’t know how I would bear it.
For the first time ever, I’ve checked for baby’s heartbeat myself, at home with a doppler. When I found it for the first time in my 9th week of pregnancy, I was ecstatic! I found myself checking every few days, just to make sure I could still hear it in there. Now that I’m 15 weeks pregnant, I’m starting to relax a little bit and let myself believe that this baby can and will make it to full term and will be a strong, healthy baby. Since I still can’t feel the baby’s movements, I continue to do a heartbeat check every few days, but not as frequently as I was in the beginning.
This pregnancy has been different for me in a few ways. We waited longer than ever to tell our kids. I didn’t want to have to put them through the sadness of another miscarriage, if it should happen again, so soon. Because we weren’t telling our kids, we also didn’t tell many other people either. It was tough to keep it a secret for so long! When we did tell our kids, they all screamed in excitement. It was so precious and I’m excited they are so thrilled for another sibling!
My first appointment with my midwife was also quite different. There were the usual joys of hearing this sweet new baby’s heartbeat and reassurance as everything looks good with baby. There were also tears and hugs as we talked about my miscarriage. As long-time readers probably remember, I have a home birth with my babies, and therefore have a much closer relationship with my midwife than a typical hospital provider. Talking about my miscarriage with her was very healing for me.
Lastly, one of the other ways this pregnancy is different is because we’ve decided to find out the gender before birth this time! With my last 2 pregnancies, we’ve waited to be surprised at birth, but this time I find myself longing so badly just to know. Maybe it’s because Quinn would have been born in January so it already feels like I’ve been waiting on a baby for so many months.
We’ll be finding out if we’re having a boy or a girl just before Christmas. I can’t wait to share with all of you once we know!