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Kristin W.’s Early Miscarriage Loss

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The following is Kristin’s account of her early miscarriage loss.

I currently have an almost 6 year old boy. When I was pregnant with him about 5 weeks I woke up bleeding. I was a teenager (17) and didn’t know what that was. I went to the doctors and they saw 2 sacs but nothing in them. 2 weeks later I bled again (still wasn’t due for a scan) and headed to the ER. They saw the beginning of a baby moving in there. I had no other complications.
Fast forward about 4 years i ended up pregnant again. I was so excited for my son to have a sibling. I told everyone as soon as I found out right after I missed my period and got a positive test. I was just happy and I scheduled my doctors appointment for when we would return from vacation.
When we left on vacation the first day I had some brown blood. I was hoping it was maybe just some old blood. The next day I was filling up a pad but not in any pain. I called the doctor and they said since I wasn’t experiencing pain and not filling up so many pads within an hour I was fine and to still come to my appointment. Over the week on vacation I still bled and I felt less pregnant. My soreness in my boobs went away. Every day I took a pregnancy test from the dollar store and seen the like get fainter and fainter. I knew I miscarried my baby but my husband told me I was just over reacting.
I went to my appointment and the doctor came in and she said the test was negative and that my body did what it had to do. That is all she left me with. I was in tears because I knew I had miscarried but I didn’t want to believe it and she confirmed I did. My heart was broken and even worse, I had to call and tell everyone that I was no longer pregnant.
It’s been 2 years and it still makes me emotional. I try not to think about the baby but it’s just so hard. A lot of people private messaged me talking about their miscarriages. I realized not very many women talk about them. It seems like it’s taboo?
I went through a lot of feelings and emotions. Why was my body not good enough to carry this baby? What did I do wrong? Maybe I drank too much caffeine. Maybe I slept wrong on my stomach and killed it. Crazy things but I still thought them. My mom told me, well it would’ve probably had something wrong with it. Wouldn’t you rather it die now without you becoming attached to it and it dying later? I couldn’t blame her for being very unsympathetic since she has never had this happen to her. But I would’ve still loved that baby.
Everyone also said it happens for a reason. That did not make me feel any better and just made me not want to talk about it. They said the pain with the loss gets easier, I don’t think it does. I will always be sad for the baby I lost and it’s okay to be sad.
You can read more stories about pregnancy loss here.

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Calli Gaddis

Thursday 27th of July 2017

It is so hard to hear what people have to say when they are trying to express empathy or sympathy. Even if someone has been through it they aren't you and they haven't been through your exact situation. I'm so sorry for your loss - but just know that baby knew nothing but love from you! And they still know that love and will never know anything different. Xoxo

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