It’s Been Two Months

By: Author Janessa

Posted on Last updated: February 17, 2021

I should preface this post by saying that tonight I’m just blogging for me. I have no tips or helpful reviews. I suppose I’m blogging tonight in hopes of some encouragement and support from some of you ladies who have also walked the path of pregnancy loss. Writing is therapeutic for me and tonight I feel like I could really use it. So many of you reached out after I experienced my miscarriage and I feel like you’ll be able to understand. I hate that you’ve had to experience this too, but at the same time, it is comforting knowing that I’m not going through this alone.

It’s been a little over 2 months since my miscarriage. Some days that feels like a long time ago. Some days that feels like yesterday. I feel like having a miscarriage is such a roller coaster of emotions. At least for me.

I spent the first 2 weeks or so after my miscarriage crying every single day. I’d look at my kids playing together and cry because I’d never get to watch Quinn playing with them. My 19 month old would learn something new and I’d cry because I’d miss experiencing the milestone with Quinn. Or, frankly I’d just think ANYTHING about Quinn and the tears would flow. Most days I’d try to hold it back until the kids were in bed at night and then I’d finally let my emotions spill out. There were a lot of breakdowns in the shower too.

Slowly I started feeling better. Maybe it was partly because life just got so busy (it was summer time, we had a broken arm incident and other things to occupy my mind) that I had less time to think about the loss.

But now, it feels like the pain is creeping back in. I’m not sure if I was just in shock for so long that it numbed the pain or what. As a blogger, I talk about babies and baby products a lot. And, as a woman in her 30’s, I have quite a few friends and family members who are pregnant or recently had a baby. Babies have always been a big part of my life, but lately it’s a little tougher. Seeing a photo of a sweet little newborn on Facebook is all it takes for me to tear up. To be clear, I could not be happier for them. Truly! Children are such a blessing and I rejoice with all of my friends whose lives are growing richer by a baby. Plus, it’s another opportunity for me to get some baby snuggles in. But, it’s also a reminder to me when I think of a baby or see a baby, that my baby will never be in my arms. That I’ll never know what my baby looks like or get to kiss their sweet face.

I think about how I should have this big belly by now and feeling my baby kick…and it’s just tough.

And then there are the fears of getting pregnant and miscarrying again. Once was bad enough. I’d love to get pregnant again but I also feel so fearful that I’ll have to go through this heartbreak again.

I know that life goes on and I’ll go on and things will be okay. But right now, this evening, it still feels pretty raw and pretty rough.

How to you get through the hard times?

Lauralee Hensley

Thursday 7th of September 2017

Though I never went through your experience, I did have a problem forgetting something that happened that happened in my marriage and the feelings would keep coming back. Yet someone with great wisdom explained to me how to think about it. They told me the experience was like a giant bell that swings back and forth, being whacked. I was the bell and I was whacked they told me. Whacked being the bad thing that happened to me. I did not cause the event, but the receiver of the whacking. A bell that is whacked swings back and forth and clangs over and over. That was my feelings clanging over and over and over. Yet the bell eventually slows down and the clanging stops, that is unless something starts the bell to swing again. So the wind or a trigger (pictures, sounds, a word, an expression) can push at the bell and cause it to start swinging again, and that is much like being whacked again. However the person told me that after a time the winds or triggers will whack or hit less often and the bell will not swing as hard or as long after time. The person told me just to expect that even years later a wind could come along and I might feel that initial whack/hit about that event/experience, but I'll recognize it just for what it is and not allow myself to dwell on it as long or as deep. So allow yourself to feel and just recognize it for what it is, give yourself time. No one can tell you those feelings and memories will never come back, but someday when they do they'll be quicker to get through and hopefully not hurt as deeply or as long so you can get on with the act of living and being happy. You do have the right to be happy again, remember that.

Janessa

Saturday 9th of September 2017

Thank you for sharing. That is a good analogy and does make a lot of sense. I'm sorry for the pain you went through in your marriage

hannah