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Not in my Arms, But Forever in my Heart

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Trigger warning – This post discusses miscarriage.

This blog post was supposed to go much, much differently. I couldn’t wait to let everyone know we were pregnant with baby #5. After weeks of anticipation, the day had finally arrived. It was June 24th, I was 12 weeks pregnant and having my first prenatal appointment with my midwife.  There are not many sounds in the world sweeter than the first time you hear your baby‘s heartbeat.  But, as my midwife slid the dopplar around my belly, the only sounds were the sounds of my own heartbeat. Sometimes this happens though, like in the case of an anterior placenta or a tilted uterus. Sometimes you just can’t hear it that early on.

I’ve never had this issue though, in fact, with other babies the heartbeat has been heard even earlier than 12 weeks. I tried not to worry, even found reassurance in a mom’s Facebook group I’m in that, yes, other moms hadn’t heard the heartbeat at 12 weeks either, and things were just fine.  But I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. A few hours later I went to the bathroom and there on the toilet paper was every pregnant mom’s worst fear: blood.

Now I was truly concerned. The deductible on our insurance is so high that getting an ultrasound would have required us to pay 100% out of pocket. I decided, since nothing could be done to stop things if I was miscarrying, that I would just wait it out. I read online about subchorionic hemorrhage and we prayed and hoped that was the source of my bleeding. The next few days were a roller coaster of emotions for me. At times I was sure it was a miscarriage, at other times I’d convinced myself it was just a subchorionic hemorrhage and baby would be just fine.

But, baby wasn’t fine. On Wednesday I miscarried our baby.

It’s so hard to even type out those words. This was my first pregnancy loss. And really, words can’t express the level of sadness I feel at the loss of our baby.

Orin and I have always talked about, should we make it to 5 kids, that we’d name a boy Quinton (a family name, meaning born 5th) or Quinnlyn for a girl. Since we don’t know the gender of our 5th baby, we decided to name the baby Quinn.

We hadn’t made the news of the pregnancy “Facebook public” yet, but the truth is, I don’t want to just let this baby fade away like he/she never existed. Quinn’s time here on earth was short, but his/her time in our hearts will be forever. Quinn is very much loved and will always be a member of our family. Quinn will always be our 5th child.

We’re grieving for the time lost on earth with Quinn, but look forward to a reunion one day in heaven!

 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.  2 Corinthians 1:3-5

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

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Mia

Friday 14th of July 2017

My heart goes out to you and your family. It is heartbreaking to have something like this happen.

Heather Garcia

Tuesday 11th of July 2017

(((hugs)))

wen budro

Tuesday 11th of July 2017

I am so very sorry for your loss. Beautiful Quinn will see you again in heaven. Take care.

Adriana

Wednesday 5th of July 2017

I am so sorry your time with Quinn was so short. I also found a lot of comfort in 2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 when we lost our second baby at 10 weeks in 2012. Our "rainbow baby" is now almost 4 years old.... But we still remember the sweet one born straight into Jesus arms. May God give you the peace and love that you need!

Amber Ludwig

Wednesday 5th of July 2017

Oh I am just so sorry to hear this!! May God wrap his arms around your family and hold you all close during this time. I love the name Quinn <3

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