The following is Callie G.’s miscarriage story.
I suffered a miscarriage. I lost my baby. Well, I didn’t lose it… But it lost it’s life. I know exactly where my baby is – It’s not growing in my belly anymore. I added ‘my’ to the title of this because, just like any other experience, it’s personal. All women are involved in the same (or at least similar) processes when it comes to creating tiny humans – but its all individually different, and that also goes for the death of those tiny humans – for those who are plagued by it. Medically there’s a lot I knew about a spontaneous abortion. On paper it was simple; it happens for one reason or another medically, simple as that. I wasn’t unfamiliar with the unfortunate event,while many people I knew had experienced it, and I had studied it.It was something I thought I knew all about. I quickly found out I knew absolutely nothing about it; I knew nothing of the good, the bad, or the ugly.
Miscarriage is messy. It is physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually messy. For the week before I lost the baby I bled. I bled from a subchorionic hematoma. A blood clot in my uterus. The baby was fine though. I started bleeding and started crying – convinced it was over for my growing bean. The ultrasound showed a heartbeat. Phew. My hopes were high again for my fighter. I continued to bleed. I messed up two sheet sets, 4 pairs of pants, 6 pairs of underwear, and two packs of pads. It was messy. Emotionally I was up – my baby was okay! Then I was down – really down – my baby was dead. I was also angry, relieved, sad, guilty, okay, not okay. I’m a mess – I don’t know when my emotions will stop being messy. Mentally – I’m a mess. You probably shouldn’t cross me negatively, or hug me – both will end in a mental breakdown. Spiritually – I’m a hot mess. I am angry at God. I’m grateful for his trust in me. I’m hurt by his choice. I’m confused by his decision. He’s heard it all from me these last few days, and I don’t know when that will stop either.
One thing I knew nothing about with regard to miscarriage is the ‘After’. The Doctor tells you what to expect when you pass the pregnancy, and what to watch for with complications, etc. But no one tells you what to do next. I’m sure as hell not going to flush my baby down the toilet like a goldfish. I don’t have the funds to cremate it, or give it a funeral service. Do I name the baby? I have to name the baby. What do I name the baby? Where do I bury the baby? Do I tell people my baby is buried in such and such a place? Do I keep that to myself? It’s an ugly process caring for someone that does – especially when that person is so small and insignificant to so many but means so much to you.
Everyone knows that a miscarriage is sad. Any death is sad. I NEVER in a million years expected the range of emotions that I have experienced as of late. The roller coaster of emotions has been by far the hardest part of this. I am first and foremost heartbroken. My child died. They are no longer growing and thriving inside of me. I am angry – why has this happened to me? What have I done to deserve this? I am confused – again with the why. My baby just had a heartbeat literally two days ago when I last saw it! I am relieved – I was in so much physical pain, which mostly subsided shortly after I passed the pregnancy. I am proud. God chose ME to carry one of his angels. God chose my baby, my perfect baby was so perfect that it was able to skip this world and go straight to live with the Heavenly Father.
I never expected to be so frustrated at the phrase “How are you?”. If someone told me they were annoyed at people asking them that question I would likely think they were being rude and ungrateful. On one hand I get it. I mean there isn’t much else to say to someone who’s going through a hard time. But on the other hand, come on. It’s blatantly obvious how I am doing.
Another awful thing ive had trouble dealing with is how life keeps going. My world has crashed to a halt, seemingly collapsing around me. And everyone else’s – keeps on trucking along. How is that person going to the movies?? My baby just died! How are you complaining about the line at the grocery store?? My baby just DIED. To those who don’t know you, or do, their life keeps going. It doesn’t mean that those people aren’t sad and heartbroken too but everyone’s life can’t stop. And that’s really hard for me.
One more thing I’m frustrated about people saying – but you have Mikey, aren’t you happy about that? Of course I’m happy I have him. He’s the light of my life. I love him in a way I could never of imagined. Of course I’m so very grateful that I have been blessed with him, and of course I’ll squeeze him a little tighter tonight, but does that mean I’m not allowed to mourn the loss of another child? I’m not allowed to love another baby too? And feel awful for myself that I don’t get to squeeze that one just as tightly?
I am so lucky to have been blessed with my son, Mikey. I was given the gift of a child first, before I suffered this loss. Many are not that lucky and I’ll never be ungrateful for that. I was also blessed with the care and creation of a second beautiful soul. I was the mother lucky enough to carry that baby their entire life and I will spend every second of the rest of mine loving them for that.
The only love stronger than the Heavenly Father’s is a Mother’s Love. Those two emotions are the only thing my baby has ever known – and that will never change. How amazing is that?? My child was never exposed to the pain, cold, fear, or hurt that this earthly world provides. The comfort that this alone provides is overwhelming. Their soul was spared from evil – and they will forever remain pure and perfect; my perfect child, who was too perfect for this world, is now an angel.
Today the sun broke through the clouds and I felt warm… I cried because I’m incredibly sad I can’t give my little squish that warmth back in the form of a hug or a kiss, but I smiled knowing I didn’t have to, because they knew I would if I could.
Isaiah 49:1 –
Listen to me, you islands;
Hear this, you distant nations:
Before I was born the Lord called me;
From my mother’s womb
He has spoken my name.